Life Lately

Post for the lost

It’s been awhile Tumblr.

The only time I would write here is when 1, my website is down and 2, I’m not in a good place in my life and I am both right now. (Edit: now my website is back-up!)

I’m single. It seems forever ago since I last uttered those words. After 7 years, I am single again.

Normally I would have all the right words to describe how or why it happened and for the first time, I don’t. I could only tell you how it makes me feel.

It feels like my head is in suspended animation. How could I not be? 7 years is a long time. It was an amicable break up to be fair.

My brain is in overdrive, maybe that’s the reason why I do not think about him or our break-up. But when the night falls, before I sleep, that’s when it all surges up to me. I have stories of how my day went but I have no one to tell it to. A perk of being in a relationship that I miss is having a human soundboard.

Work is crazy as usual. The bad kind, not the fun crazy kind. I’m frustrated about a few things, to a few people. I take my work and career seriously that’s why I may come off too strong. You can always count on me to say the things that others can only wish to say. I specialize in things that people normally don’t like to do. I get things done. I’m that person at work. And which is probably why they see me as the royal bitch that I am.

I was in a virtual meeting and giving my two cents about something when I noticed two of them smirking while I was presenting. I don’t usually care when people smirk at me but that got through me. I wanted to say so many sassy remarks but I held back. I stayed radio silent after that. With a small voice in my head telling me “This is so beneath you. You don’t belong here!”

Today is the day that I felt tired of my work. I have no more fight in me. I have nothing else to give.

All I wanted is to go home to my parents’ house because that has always been a safe space for me.

But even things at home are not great.

My Dad was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis a few months ago. The doctor told him that he cannot consume alcohol anymore and should stop drinking otherwise his death will come soon.

And he was doing well until he decided to stop taking his meds. Claiming that it was making him felt more weak and sick than it is helping. And I agree, my Dad on medication doesn’t look and feel like my Dad. He was just always lying down, asleep, and not talkative. You can see how frail he was.

Maybe stopping the meds was a good idea. He was his normal self again. He is cheerful, strong and his skin color is livelier.

But he also went back to drinking. I cried when my mom told me. I’m so devastated because how can he be so stubborn and selfish? How can he not give up something when it meant longer life for him? When did it mean more time for him to be around and take care of me and see me thrive and fail miserably in life and try again?

My Dad means everything to me. My parents are my strong foothold in this world. How can he do this to us?

But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at all. I got it from him. I am stubborn and selfish just because, just like him.

I have gone 6 months without drinking Coke and I have spiraled back to it. Stress and frustration are coming left to right. Somehow, the fizziness of the soda brings me momentary happiness.

All this happening simultaneously and it feels like the air is getting thinner and thinner. I am choking. I can’t breathe.

I am on my own. I have to be strong for myself and weather this alone.

I think my winter has come. And I have to brace myself for the worst.

Ahhh!!! Help me, God.

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