I meant to write sooner or publish a piece before my birthday, but whenever I try to, something yanks me away from doing so. It’s either I am too occupied doing things in the office, or I am too tired and couldn’t be bothered. Sleep is golden nowadays.
So, I just turned 30.
Three decades on Earth. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
I honestly thought that by this age, I have already achieved so many milestones like, travelling the world, a fat savings account, and the feeling of having the world at the palm of my hands. I thought by this time, I am ready to retire from corporate life and pursue business as it is my birthright, if you ask my mom.
But I am not a complete failure.
If there is anything that I’ve learned is that you need to be a little nicer to yourself. Just because the 15 year old you have set ambitious goals for your 30 year old self did not mean you suck. Apparently, young me said that by 30, I am either a kick ass lawyer who drives a BMW, with family, who travels the world out of whim or be the new Jessica Soho of my generation. But I did not pursue that life because reasons. HAHAHA. Just because you see your friends on social media going on adventures that is a part of your bucket list did not mean they are doing well than you. We are all working on different timelines. Some get there faster than others, some later, or some never. Whatever it is, do not compare. Comparison is a bitch.
Kismet. You will get there. Maybe not exactly how you imagined it to be, but it gets better, I promise. Trust the universe.
Last week, I received tons of birthday greetings via Facebook. It took me almost two hours to finish replying to everyone who took the time to greet me in all different platforms. It was overwhelming. Specially that I have two Facebook accounts. Yes, two.
Let me explain why:
My primary one is for my friends, office mates, colleagues and everyone else and the second one is strictly for my family, extended family, neighbors who are basically family only. Why? Well, Facebook does not have privacy options way way back. So, I cannot filter who can see my posts. And I don’t like it when my family pry into what I do in my life, or what I post. Because back in 2008, I am your typical teenager who posts everything on Facebook. I hate it so very much when my family comments weird stuffs on my selfies, or comments something off with my emotera posts and such. Because it’s not cool. Or I don’t find it cool.
Maybe it has to do with the fact that I grew up being far away from everyone, so I thought my relationship with members of our family are not that deep that I don’t want to open a piece of my life to them. Another reason is because when I was younger, I sneak out a lot to drink, and party with friends and for some weird reason, when my family gets a whiff of my “batang burgis” ways, it is becoming a topic, ammunition even, word will reach my parents’ ears and guess whose grounded for the 1789th time?
I feel judged all the time. Even before social media came into the picture.
I don’t like it when they assume I have everything, and that I don’t need to try and work hard because my parents would just give it to me in a heartbeat. I hate it when they look at me and all they see is superficial. That I am an only child, I am spoiled, I don’t study hard and all I do is live an easy life.
There are half truth in all of these. But they also do not know the hurdles behind. Because, they only know the surface. Like I said, I grew up far away from everyone else. So let me put on my Tupac Shakur real quick and say
Only God has the right to judge me.
HAHAHA. So yeah, one day I created a second facebook account where I only post about boring stuff.
It was only last year that I accepted my mom’s friend request on my primary account, after she asked me thrice why do I keep on rejecting her friend requests when she was the one who gave birth to me and promising that she won’t judge me for what I do and post in social media. HAHAHA. I mean, this can’t be just me, right? I guess at some point, we’ve all been there. DON’T LIE TO ME. HAHAHA.
Anyway, I woke up today feeling ridiculous about this social media thing. Why am I alienating my family? I am way past the age where image is everything. It is time to build a stronger relationship with them. I realized that my family does not just end with my Mom and Dad. So, I deactivated the other account and added all my cousins, uncles, aunts and everyone else in that secondary account to my primary one. I should have done it a long time ago, but it felt convenient that way. It was safer that way.
I know at some point, I’m going to regret doing this, but, I don’t think it is fair that I assume that they are all out to get me. HAHAHA.
I think that’s what happens when you age. Something inside you changes. I’m more open.
Last weekend, my friends and I gathered up to celebrate my birthday and Wilson’s. It was supposed to be a mixed event among our friends. But none of Wilson’s friends made it except for Kets, Dex and Blanca—who are both our mains.
Planning the event made me so anxious finance wise because I have a long list of friends. Old and new. I sent an invite to almost 35 people. Yes, that many! I invited people based on our memories and friendship that we’ve built that I hold dear. I invited them with my heart on my sleeves. Regardless of time and distance that we are apart. I kept on calculating how much money I am willing to spend should that 35 people came, I know they will all go. I have a good reason to hope, because I’ve never had a single birthday party back in college where people did not turn up. No fall outs.
But this is not college anymore.
I realized some of the people I have invited are some people I haven’t seen in years because of the difference in work schedule, location, proximity, relationships and priorities. There were few who ignored the invite, some “seenzoned” it, some declined, and there were a few who confirmed their attendance, and there were some who promised to go but did not come through. It was a sad scene to watch.
There were only 17 of us that day. Most of them are friends from the office and 3 college friends. We all had a great time! Even though it wasn’t as much as I hoped to be, it was still great. I know now that they were all there with me in spirit.
One my goals for this year to take my finances seriously. I want to save up and have an emergency fund. Living from paycheck to paycheck is not cute anymore when you’re 30. Having a savings account that looks like a phone number is the dream, so I’ll start small and work my way up. I am now also thinking of investing in insurance. OH GAADDD WHAT IS HAPPENING. HAHAHA.
I also wanted to hop on a plane to travel again and see new places. I’ve been on travel hiatus since February last year and I’m afraid that’s making me dull. I want to explore, have something new to write about and re-energize my life. Travelling gives me that. I don’t travel because that is what ~millennials~ does nowadays. There is more to travelling than just completing bucket lists, bragging on social media and having photos. It’s the journey. Travelling makes me feel small and insignificant yet wonderful. That is why, when I travel this year I will focus more on the quality of the places and really really get lost in that moment rather than chase for the quantity of places.
Anyhoo, you know what I bought last week that sent me to frenzy? A toilet cleaner. A FUCKING TOILET CLEANER! BECAUSE BEING DOMESTICATED IS THE NEW SHIT.
Like what I said, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I am not a complete failure. I’m learning a lot. Adulting is still ain’t easy.
Oh, 30. Where do we begin?