Life has been giving me a lot of nudges lately—maybe to see if I am still breathing. Because the last time we had a stare down, I blinked and I looked away. What a coward. Life saw that my appetite for life has been fading fast and that is why I have not written anything in a while.
There were a lot of transitions that I have gone through. One being my original team was split in two which took a toll on me emotionally. You all know that I have issues with letting go, especially people, so you could only imagine how hard it was for me. My safe space was gone. I was in a sensitive state. I was walking on eggshells. ~Sobrang drama, pero blog ko to. Wala kayong pake. CHAROT. HAHAHA!~
A few months ago, I applied for a career opportunity that I had my eyes on for a long time. You can really tell how eager I was chasing this opportunity—it was my fourth time to apply for that role. I have prepared tremendously because what’s the point of being in it if you don’t want to win it, right? But life happened and I did not get it.
Always the runner up, never the Miss Universe.
I’m not a sore loser though. I’m a sport, always have and always will be, but it sure broke my heart. Yes, I cried. Because real gangstah cries.
I cried while questioning my capabilities, I cried for the dreams and aspirations that looks pretty fucking bleak, I cried for all the well wishes of my people whose hearts got ripped when I told them I did not make it.
Last year was also a series of mini emotional breakdowns, because someone has stolen my thunder. That is the importance of coaching & follow through, you guys. It can make or break someone.
So yeah, I was fading fast.
The bridge collapsed and I wasn’t sure if I can still cross over.
I almost accepted that maybe I wasn’t destined to cross the bridge. I could not believe that I almost swallowed that as a truth. That was the most heartbreaking thought I had to process. I was barely fighting back. I looked down the floor and I saw fragments of myself.
Kaya mo pa ba? I asked myself.
You’re not a quitter, you’re a fighter, and the true winner is the fighter! My voice broke, my cheeks felt warm. I watched my reflection in river of tears.
After that Oscar performance I had in my room, I was ready to get back on my feet.
Life may have broken my wings, but forgot I had claws.
I found myself sitting in a speaking engagement where people talked about their career journeys and I found myself chuckling every time they mention something that I can relate to but it was the third speaker’s note that will haunt me forever:
Set your goals early on, grind hard, do everything in your power to create a mark so you do not chase opportunities and let opportunities chase you. Because it will.
Another career opportunity came and I guess what they say is right all along, that if it’s meant to be, it will be. Delays are never denials. The right time will come and it fucking did!
Now it all made sense why it wasn’t given to me. My prayers shifted from ‘I want this’ to ‘I am ready. I leave it up to you. The right time will come. I know it will’. It was the universe’s way of forging me out of steel. All those emotional
mental breakdowns happened for a reason and it taught me how to take a leap of faith.
Somehow, the universe conspired, the stars aligned and I made it to the other end of the collapsing bridge.
I have a lot of people to thank for, for making it in one piece with a new lease on life.
The night I found out that I got the role
The day I signed my promotion letter
My last day with my team that I fell in love with in a such a short period of time.
Quality Team–My new family
Cross that bridge. Find the fighter in you.